Make Up Your Mind
by syrmerlin
Summary: One Shot set after 9x13 The Purge: Dean is done with his brother's double standards and self-righteousness. A confrontation between the two brothers. Warnings: Implied/Referenced Suicide Attempt


**Just had to let this out. Have fun, hope you like it.**

"Why the hell did you try to kill yourself, Dean?"

"Why the hell did you save me?"

"What was I supposed to do, just stand there and watch, maybe eat a little popcorn?!?"

"That's exactly what you should have done. You said it yourself, didn't you? If our positions had been reversed, you said you wouldn't save me!"

"That's not the same!"

"Damn straight it's not the same, Sam! You were in a coma because of your injuries. I WANTED to die."

"Yeah, well so did I!"

"No. You have just accepted Death, because you didn't see a way out. Hell, you agreed not to close the fricking Doors to Hell so you wouldn't die."

"Only because you manipulated -"

"Manipulated? It was your decision, man! Yes, I told you not to die and yes, I told you I needed you but I didn't make you stop. You decided that. So what, when you decide to live and then fall into a coma, damn straight I'm gonna save you.

If your problem really is that you didn't die to close those doors, in that church You agreed with me! And it wouldn't have helped anybody if you'd have died in a come the next day, so don't you dare pin that on me. And when I was dying just now, you called a damn ambulance! I was dying, and I didn't want you to save me, but you did anyway. You said you wouldn't do the same if our positions were reversed.

Then from what point can we agree to let each other just die, huh? Is it when one of us is in a coma? Cuz I remember being in a coma after that car crash when you didn't just pull my plug. Or is it when you're unconscious? If you need surgery, you get put down? Huh? Is that what this is?

You did the same thing, Sam. Even worse, you'd just given up the world to stay alive, I fricking offed myself. So don't you dare tell me I did something wrong, because if someone screwed up here, you did!"

"What the hell, Dean? Did you just try and kill yourself to prove a fucking point? That's exactly what I mean! You don't mean it. You don't know what you're doing! I just accepted my fate!"

"What, so you think this was just some boo-hoo,-my-brother-doesn't-love-me-I'll-just-kill-myself kind of deal? You think this is just this argument? Man, I haven't been okay since you left for Stanford!

Then with all that stuff happening, people dying for me, I already couldn't take it. But I didn't do anything, because you needed me. Because Azazel was still out there, and I couldn't leave you alone.

Then I went to Hell, and I fucking deserved it, but then, when I started torturing other souls... I was so broken and I never fully got fixed. It's nothing anyone can fix.

Afterwards, I just kept waiting for a hunt to kill me, for a chance to sacrifice my life for yours, because I couldn't live, but I couldn't leave you hanging either, especially with Lillith and the Seals and the Lucifer.

Remember when we faced Famine and everyone got starved for something, except for me? He told me why. Because even back then, I was already so dead inside that nothing could ever fill those holes I consist of.

And when you fell into that cage, everything in me just screamed to follow you. To kill myself. But I didn't, because I promised you, and I had to get you out.

And when you came back, you needed me to get your soul back, and then to have your back against Eve and Crowley and then the Leviathans.

And then I landed in Purgatory, and I lost every last shred of myself I still had in me. This was a whole fucking year of non-stop killing, and fighting, and slaughtering, and I fricking hated it, but I had to get back to you, because I knew you were worried sick - or at least I thought so at that time.

And there was still this whole mess with the Angels and Cas and Kevin and I couldn't just abandon all of you, so I kept going. And when I came back I couldn't take anything anymore, but you just threw all our responsibilities away and lost Kevin and ignored so much suffering I had to clean up that whole mess with the tables and everything.

And you would say these things, and every single one madd me want to kill either you or me, but I ignored them, because you didn't understand.

And then, when Naomi told me the spell was gonna kill you, I couldn't just let that happen. You've been my responsibility since I was four, Sam. I've always taken care of you, that's always been my job. You come before everything else.

So I warned you, and I begged you not to do it. And you chose not to. YOU chose, Sam! And then you were in a coma and the Angel could save you so yes, I didn't let you die, Sammy, because obviously letting even suicidal people die isn't done here.

And now I'm haunted by Hell and Purgatory and everyone that ever died because of me and then you made it clear you didn't need me any longer. Didn't want me anymore. I can't take this any longer, so if my reason for staying doesn't want me to, I might as well go!

So yeah, I tried to check out. But don't go blaming this on an argument. I just can't anymore. So how do you know dying now isn't just my fate that I've accepted?

Make up your mind, Sam. Either you accept my choice to save you or you give me that gun right this instant and get the hell out of here."

**Comments? Critisism? I did write this in the middle of the night in half an hour, so I know it's not great, but yeah. Sam frustrates me, thus... voilá.**


End file.
